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June 10 1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In".
5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
6. Finish All Your Sentences With "In Accordance With The Prophecy".
7. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
8. Order a Diet Water Whenever You Go Out to Eat, With a Serious Face.
9. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go".
10. Sing Along At The Opera.
11. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play Tropical Sounds All Day.
12. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.
13. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"
14. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Car Park, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"
15. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."
Forwarded to me by Francesco. :)
December 05 The organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge. Each organ took a turn to speak up:
Brain......... I should be in charge because I run all body functions.
Blood........ I should be in charge because I circulate oxygen for the brain.
Stomach... I should be in charge because I process food to the brain.
Legs......... I should be in charge because I take the brain where it wants to go.
Eyes......... I should be in charge because I let the brain see where it's going.
Asshole..... I should be in charge because I get rid of your waste.
All the other parts laughed so hard and this made the asshole very mad.
To prove his point, the asshole immediately slammed tightly closed and stayed that way for 6 days, refusing to rid the body of any waste whatsoever.
Day 1 - Brain got a terrible headache and cried out for relief.
Day 2 - Stomach got bloated and began to ache terribly.
Day 3 - Legs got cramps and became unstable.
Day 4 - Eyes became watery and vision became blurred.
Day 5 - Blood became toxic and poisoned the body.
Day 6 - The other organs agreed to let the asshole be in charge.
*MORAL OF THE STORY: NO MATTER WHO YOU ARE, OR HOW IMPORTANT YOU THINK YOU ARE, YOU WILL FIND THAT IT IS ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE THAT IS IN CHARGE.
Forwarded by Ting Ting. Hahahaha... I've seen this joke a few times but sorry... it's still very funny... hahaha... October 18 Professor at one of the top universities was explaining marketing concepts to the Students:-
1 You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!" - That's Direct Marketing
2 You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says: "He's very rich. Marry him." - That's Advertising
3 You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day, you call and say: "Hi, I'm very rich. Marry me." - That's Telemarketing
4 You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink, you open the door of the car for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her ride and then say: "By the way, I'm rich. Will you marry me?" - That's Public Relations
5 You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says: "You are very rich! Can you marry ! me?" - That's Brand Recognition
6 You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!" She gives you a nice hard slap on your face. - That's Customer Feedback
7 You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!" And she introduces you to her husband. - That's demand and supply gap
8 You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say anything, another person come and tell her: "I'm rich. Will you marry me?" and she goes with him. - That's competition eating into your market share
9. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say: "I'm rich, Marry me!" your wife arrives. - That's restriction for entering new markets
Forwarded by Ting Ting
Haha.. As a marketing student... can't help laughing out loud :D
June 13
BRUTUS
Mrs. Broomfield's dishwasher quit working, so she called a repairman. He couldn't accommodate her with an evening appointment,and since she had to go to work the next day, she told him: "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the check. By the way, don't worry about my Rottweiler. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do not under any circumstances talk to my parrot!" When the repairman arrived at Mrs. Broomfield's apartment the next day, he discovered the biggest and meanest looking Rottweiler he had ever seen. But, just like she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet, watching the repairman go about his business. However, the whole time he was there, the parrot drove him nuts with his incessant squawking and talking. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled: "Shut up, you stupid bird!" To which the parrot replied: "Get him, Brutus!"
PET SHOP PARROTS
A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical-looking parrots on a perch and says, "The parrot on the left costs $500."
"Why does the parrot cost so much?" asks the customer. The owner says "Well, the parrot knows how to do legal research."
The customer then asks about the next parrot, to be told that this one costs $1,000 because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to write a brief that will win any case.
Naturally, the increasingly startled customer asks about the third parrot, to be told that it costs $4,000. Needless to say, this begs the question, "What can it do?" To which the owner replies, "To be honest, I've never seen him do a darn thing, but the other two call him Senior Partner."
THE AIRLINES
This guy is in a plane when he feels thirsty. He calls the stewardess and asks her politely for a Large Whiskey.There's a parrot in the seat next to him,who snaps,"A double Scotch and make it quick". "Yes ,sir"the stewardess says, and quickly gets the bird his drink - but ignores the guy. The parrot downs his in one gulp, and says "gimme another". The stewardess gets him a second drink, ignoring the guy again. The guy, meanwhile has been asking for his drink very politely. He decides to use the parrot's tactics and snarls at the stewardess,"You @#*$# hag, get me my bloody Scotch!". Suddenly a large co-pilot comes out of the cockpit and ejects both the guy and the parrot off the plane.
As they're falling, the parrot turns to the guy and says "You know, you're quite brave for someone who can't fly...".
IF PARROTS CAN TALK
A lady was looking for a present for her husband Harry, the pirate. She went to the only pet shop in town to buy one. The pet shop owner refused to sell her the one parrot he had.
"You don't want this one, it has lived in a brothel all its life."
"Yes, I must have it", said the pirate's wife." Harry has wanted a parrot all his life, and this is a beautiful bird!"
"Thanks, gorgeous," said the parrot, and he was soon taken to the lady's house. She put him into the corner, covered him up, and waited until the party that night to show her husband his gift. When she uncovered the parrot, her husband was amazed. Then the parrot said.
"Nice house, better broads; oh, Hi, Harry!"
PRAYERS ANSWERED
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." What do they say?" the priest inquired. They say 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?' "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase...in time." "Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"
Source: Forwarded to me by Dad.
June 12 ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
HAPPINESS FORMULAE
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
Source: Thanks David... I c&p from your space. ^^ May 23 A mother was very concerned that her middle-aged son has not shown the slightest indication of getting married.
So one day she called him over to her house. The son came home from work, grudgingly. Upon arriving, he found that his mother had gathered a few beautiful ladies at the house for him to choose as his future bride.
The first one was a well-endowed telephonist-cum-receptionist. He immediately commented that: "Aiyaa... mother, they always say: "PLEASE HOLD ON, HOLD ON....."
The second nominee was a leggy secretary. She was also rejected. Reason being: "Aiyaa... mother, this one aaa..., secretary always fond of saying "PLEASE SLOW DOWN, SLOW DOWN...."
By this time, the mother is nearing frustration. She called a sweet but plain-looking teacher. The son suddenly agreed!! The mother was surprised and asked: "Why this one? The earlier two were a lot more better looking!"
He replied: "Teachers aaa.... teachers vely good, vely good, always say: "PLEASE REPEAT, DO IT AGAIN, I want it done 10 times.... SOME MORE, SOME MORE..!"
Now come the small naughty hero. Her youngest son (10 years old), was listening quietly all this while at the other end of the room.
Suddenly, he shouted "Brother.... female mini bus conductor more better laa.... they always say..."NAIK CEPAT, NAIK CEPAT... MASUK, MASUK.... MASUK LAGI, DALAM LAGI... DALAM LAGILAAAAH, MASUK BELAKANG.... BELAKANG LAGI, BELAKANG BANYAK KOSONG!..........."
The mother fainted....
Source: Forwarded to me by hamsup Goh Ting Ting... hahaha... kiss for you, ting ^^
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